A Short Collection of my most Controversial and Opinionated Observations on Writers

by Carrie Bailey

If you suck as a person, you will suck as a writer and everyone who reads your work will be granted great insight into exactly how you draw into your mouth by contracting the muscles of the lip and mouth to make a partial vacuum. 

 I’m not saying great writers are great people. Some are the emotional equivalent of a tar pit or a new strain of bird flu. They are very much themselves when they write and happen to be jerks.

What I am saying is that if you have an obvious fault in your personality, it will come out in your writing. I say this thinking about an aspiring YA writer I read with teenage characters having dark jaded and sophisticated sexual relationships that screamed PEDOPHILE to me. I know teenagers can be complex emotional creatures, but this writer was clearly drawing from his own sophisticated sexual

"Hi, I've just finished reading your first draft. I realize
these are unusual circumstances, but I have just sent
a copy to a mental health professional and the authorities. Also,
there were numerous typos on page 6 and 27."

confusion. Most writers aren't as transparently cringeworthy as this man, although published fantasy author, Piers Anthony, certainly is.

How Not to Write a Novel is a book with a lot of examples where writers just get creepy. I recommend reading it.

Creepiness is only one obvious fault that a person can have. Some authors are shallow, overly idealistic, racist, timid, boring... and that's why they suck. Sure, they can still get published. People do, but a writer has to balance out their negative repulsive qualities with enough good ones to tip the scale in favor of attraction.

Bookishness does not make you a superior form of life anymore than wearing glasses makes you more intelligent.

A lot of farmers don’t have time to read, although many listen to a great number of audio books. A lot of poor single mothers don’t have time to read. Many worthwhile people have lives that don’t involve reading books. Time to read is a privilege. It irks me when writers pat themselves on the back for having a noble hobby as if we've all forgotten that there was an era when reading was considered an immoral distraction from responsibility. Humanity can survive without books, but we can’t live without food. Respect the hardworking people who don't read, they may just be catching your book when it gets released on film.

Shocking! It is possible for someone to follow an "author" on social media and not be their adoring fan. 

I bubble over with revulsion whenever an author I friend on Facebook, adds me, and then posts a “Thank-you for friending me” message on my wall. Why don't they thank me privately? Because, they want my friends to see that I made the choice to friend them. Bastards! My Facebook wall is not for you! People I know personally are more considerate about posting on my wall than these authors I've just met.

Real fans are not numbers on social media. Authors friend each other as colleagues not as fans. We inflate each others numbers to make each other look more popular. Sometimes we do read each others work. We share technique, stories and industry information, but we are rarely fans.

Fans are people who are in awe of a writer's work. It can be very uncomfortable to get your first real fans, because you may never have experienced that sort of un-tempered and unreciprocated adoration. While some people may be impressed that you wrote a book, they don’t necessarily plan to read what you wrote. Authors who treat every social media contact as a fan need to recognize the difference!

Being a successful writer is a group effort and anyone who thinks otherwise needs to be led into the forest and left there for 20 days with only saltine crackers.

People, who I know offline, come to me all the time and say that they would like to be a successful author. Can I make that happen? No. I cannot. I have only single digit book sales each week myself and that great trickle of dimes has taken me three years to unleash. People who believe that anyone wields the power to make them successful overnight are naïve. It is kind of cheek-pinching cute though.

However, there are arrogant pricks among writers who knowingly perpetuate this mythology of the author. One day, we click the last button and place the final period on the last paragraph of our great masterpiece. There it sits. Moments later, fans are pounding on our door. Why? Because, authors either have it or they don't; that elusive something that drives sales. It's magic!

Do you agree? Better not. I will come. I will find you and we are going out for a little walk in the woods. We'll have a nice chat. I will leave you there.

If I do take the time to give a writer advice, I expect them to either show me some support by reading one of my books, promoting me, or turn around and mentor someone else. A writer’s time isn’t free just because we aren’t paid hourly. But, we give a lot of it away, because a lot of people gave their time away to us. Now, there it is. The connection between writing and success is a lot of time invested and a lot of help from other people. We have to learn about the industry, make connections, and promote our work. No magic. Just time and the hard work and time of other people.

Giving blanket advice to writers is wrong and dumb and mean and thoughtless and a generally bad idea.

There is no advice that applies to every writer. We’re all at different points in our artistic development and career. But, sometimes people get stuck in a herd…of writers, which they find comforting and validating. And then. They get cultish. It happens.

These rabid and blind writers start to believe they have found absolute knowledge about being an author. They begin to form rules. And that isn't criminal. But, someone of these creatures with laptops and pens, go after the young and those new to writing. They attempt to validate their rules by forcing others to follow them. They oppress creativity. They crush the artistic spark. They douse the fires. They trap the muse in a small cage and poke her with a stick.

Having said that, I would like invite you to read a copy of The Handbook of the Writer Secret Society. It's free when you follow our site and connect with us. While there are no oppressive rules to follow, authors do benefit from the company and companionship of encouraging and unoppressive writers and we've captured that in book form. This handbook holds the epiphanies, experiences and humor of many new authors progressing in their careers within our changing industry.

There are only two types of writers.

Idiots and fools. No! Kidding! We are engaging in a difficult process with uncertain reward or benefit, but there is nothing foolish about it. The benefit of writing is unique to each person and infinitely meaningful to many.

However, I personally classify writers into two categories: the hopeful and hopeless. Some writers add hope to my life and some take it away. It's that simple. I try to avoid the later. I try to identify them early on during our association and keep my distance. It's my overly simplified opinion that this distinction exists and I am proud to say that it has helped keep me writing. But, more than that. It is my opinion and not one I adopted from someone else.

Having and knowing and articulating my opinions is grand. I'm not sure I do it often enough. This month at Peevish Penman, all the authors and I are being opinionated just to practice opening up and saying what we really think without worrying about offending or alienating people. If you have a very opinionated post on your blog about writers, please link to it in the comments. I'd love to read it.

"This Not That" New Years Resolutions for Writers

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by Carrie Bailey

My first instinct today was to bore you with a long explanation of my New Year's resolutions as a writer. But, then, I realized you had done nothing to deserve that and so I've decided you're going to be spared...sort of. Instead, I'm going to explain why some New Year's resolutions are better than others in much the same way mint flavored ice cream with chunks of chocolate fudge is better than mint with tiny bits of shaved carob.

RESOLUTION OPTION #1

Finish My Manuscript vs. Write Regularly

We can argue this one indefinitely if you disagree with me, but I will always choose to make writing a habit over the more goal-oriented desire to finish a specific manuscript. The fact is that sometimes you've got to abandon a work and develop your skills so that you can come back, pick up that manuscript and realize that it was crap.

It doesn't matter how much you love a project or how much time you've devoted to building its character or location sheets. The amount of effort you put into a story is not directly proportional to how it will be received once it is finished. Okay, that hard truth aside, those masterpieces that we wrench free from the darkest corners of our soul also often demand shelving until a particular element has been completely researched. Take the time to read the books or the movies that relate to your story, if you aren't opposed to the influence, find the facts or information you need and never hesitate to delay finishing your book about Argentina if you've got a flight booked to Buenos Aires nine months out.

Writing regularly, on the other hand, has one great advantage. If you make it a habit, you may eventually overcome those obstacles that prevent you finishing one story or another while finishing other pieces. Don't get tied to one manuscript. Get tied to the life and pursuits of the writer's life.

RESOLUTION OPTION #2

Write More vs. Join a Writing Group

Okay, I only brought this one up, because I loathe the resolution to write more. It makes no sense. I have the calluses to prove that wrote all the time last year and although I did benefit from pounding keys day in and day out, I can't say how that was measurably different from what I achieved the year before. But, no, I didn't keep a tally of my total yearly word count...as it were.

Joining a writing group did make a MASSIVE difference. It helped me to better assess my strengths as a writer and incorporate other people's experience into my immense and growing inner database of what beliefs and qualities define self-limiting writers. Is that all? Yes, because, I found the wrong group...for me. They enjoyed writing, but they weren't hoping to quit their day jobs or even publish, which I do find important. This year, I'm going to keep looking for new friends and mentors. Being stateside again, I'm going to attend a few conferences, workshops and go to book signings. Because, if writing has taught me anything, it's that career-minded authors benefit immensely from powering down the laptop and learning about the industry...offline.

RESOLUTION OPTION #3

Make an Author's Vision Board vs. Submit Work to X Number of Publications and Contests

My top resolution for 2013? Write outside.

At some point, we have to stop and ask ourselves why do we want to be published. Did we imagine that we were going to sit at our laptop, pour out our thoughts, crack open our imagination tools and then next year we'd be riding around the Caribbean on our very own shiny white yacht? Was that why we wrote? Was it for the personal gratification? To prove to our parents that we didn't waste money on our liberal arts degrees? To become popular since it was so cruelly denied us in high school?

Whatever your personal motivation for writing may be, it forms the basis of a vision. That vision of your life as an author ought to be articulated clearly, as clearly as any scene from one of your better stories. And it doesn't hurt to collect a few images that represent this vision best whether they're magazine cutouts or a powerpoint project or a movie or a drawing or whatever. I confess. I do it every year and usually, despite my doubt, most elements I define as my vision then manifest in my life.

Why is this better than having a tangible goal like submitting to X number of publications? Because, when you know what you truly want. You tend to stop following other people's paths to achieving that goal and forge your own, but remember: be careful what you wish for, because while it may in fact happen, vague visions never manifest the way you expect.

Of course, that said, once you have a cohesive vision for your writing career, tangible goals are important. It's a matter of which comes first. Don't adopt the goals you think you should have. Adopt only the ones that will lead you to what you truly want to achieve with your writing.

How to Cope with a Bad Peer Review

by Carrie Bailey

I've had it happen to me a few times where the response I get to my writing is less encouraging than I wanted to hear. It's probably the most nerve-wracking part of creative writing. Handing your hard work over to someone else to read for the very first time, then having them hand it back with a sour look on their face. Then, they proceed to deliver all the words you didn't want to hear...meh!

What happens next is complex process. You evaluate the jealousy level of the reader. You evaluate their taste and personal style. You size up their experience and objectives. You turn the lens of introspection on yourself and then bore holes into your soul trying to reveal what went wrong.

Unfortunately, that isn't going to help... There are many reasons why we receive bad reviews and while we can't undo a bad review or heal the confidence it shattered overnight if it were truly awful, we can control certain aspects of the review process and understand them better to help us receive the most useful results possible. That's right. A review, a peer review, is supposed to help us improve, if the information you receive when you get a review has nothing that serves that end, it can, in fact, be discarded immediately, negativity and all. But a negative review, a soul crushing, tear extracting review that also includes a statement such as "too many commas" or "main character's motivation is unclear" can be gold, sort of muddied dirt covered gold. So, take the gold, and ditch the rest.

Ask Someone You Trust

The first peer review that you get for your work should not be an opportunity for someone to exert their dominance over you mean girls style. So, be honest with yourself about your friends, critique partners, and others you might ask. If they're competitive or passive aggressive in the slightest, it doesn't matter how much fun you have with them, they will not provide an objective review of your work.

The same applies to your great aunt so-and-so who just loves you to death. You know that. Besides, she's blind now and even if you hand over your manuscript, she can't read it, she's just going to tell you that you are wonderful.

Trust, in regards to a peer review, means that you can rely on their integrity and ability. It also means you have confidence what you expect to receive from them. 

Do you ever wonder why grade school children get so much encouragement for writing the letter "A" but writers receive so much criticism for adding one too many commas? Before you ask for a peer review, make sure your reviewer is completely aware of the following facts:

• How long you've been writing.
• What your objective is for your writing i.e. where you would hope to see it published one day.
• What is standard for genre.
• What mistakes of which you are already aware.

How long you are writing is important, because if you're just proud to finish a 15,000 word story and you hadn't even considered whether the market could cope with another tale of vampire love and zombies entering mainstream society...well, your reviewer might not be reviewing what you want reviewed.


Your objective on the other hand is important, too. Imagine this: You take a work published in a book where you would like to be published and you hand it to your best friend, but she returns it saying that she just doesn't think you have what it takes... Well, she may have her eyes on working for Vanity Fair, but you were looking to sell a few pieces to a local wine and travel publication. When your objective is out of sync, the person reviewing your work will not be giving you useful feedback.

Having someone who writes a different genre review your work can be tricky unless they're the most objective person you ever met, however, it can be potentially amazing in the end result. Someone who does not read your genre will not expect to like what you write so they will be quick to focus on the mechanics and share their surprise at discovering elements of your writing that they did enjoy. The key is to make sure your reviewer understands what you are aren't writing the same genre and that they are not a literary bigot. Yes, bigots exist even in writing. It happens when people get so enthusiastic about their own genre that they stop believing that anyone should be writing anything else.

Yet another important set of details are the mistakes. Why? Because, they think you don't realize they are there when you hand over your work for review. It could be that formatting is a lengthy process and you wanted a review of the content while you worked on formatting, but they may be sending back detailed notes on spacing and virtually ignore the text if you don't tell them...

Of course once you've already had a bad review, knowing what to do next time is only half of the struggle to keep writing. A writer puts a lot of themselves out onto the page and it's bound to result in some bruised egos here and there. Put it in perspective. It happens to everyone. The writers that persevere are the ones who can identify what is useful from a critique and dispense with all the negative emotional content that might come with it.

Remember that. Write down what you heard or look at what was written. Circle only what will obviously help your writing improve. Consider the rest of the advice in context, but file it away in the back of your mind somewhere it can't affect you. If other reviewers deliver the same advice later, then take it out have a soul searching moment. If later decide critique is true, then don't worry...it has become useful. You're one step closer to being a great writer! But, about that paper, everything else on the paper means nothing. Write down what you circled and throw the paper away.

And the next time you get a review, remember that what you say about your manuscript when you hand it to the reviewer will affect them. In some ways, it's like a job interview. If you tell them, you know you can't write, you'll never be able to write, publishing is not in your future, and some days you're aren't even sure you can correctly identify the letter "A." Well, don't expect them to spend a lot of time trying to change your mind. Just tell them what the manuscript is and let go...

By the way...chocolate also helps a coping with a bad peer review.

How to Survive a Peer Review

by Linda Yezak

If you’re like me–and heaven help you if you are–you like to get occasional feedback on your current project just to see if it’s as wonderful as you think, or if it would be well-received, or to garner some much-needed encouragement. I thrive on the encouraging words of others; they spur me to write more and write more often. However, I get slapped with “Your writing is great, but . . . ” so often that I spend way too much time wound-licking and not enough correcting my errors.

I admit that I tend to submit my work for review too early, something I wouldn’t recommend to just anyone. I do it because someone else can catch things I’m not seeing, and the sooner I discover the problem the sooner I can fix it without having to do a major re-write. Since I write by the seat of my pants, fresh eyes on my work are necessary. But don’t be fooled–the reviews can also be painful.

Free peer review sites are wonderful primarily because they are free (there are tons of them in cyberland; one choice is AuthorNation). But they also come with built-in hazards: too many people saying different and sometimes conflicting things, too many who are honing their critiquing abilities at your expense, too many who don’t know how to express themselves without being rude, and way too few who actually know what they’re talking about.

Here is what I’ve learned from being a peer-review junkie:

1. Be gracious. The people who are honing their skills, who are learning how to write and how to critique, may not be the best sources of advice, but they are readers: Readers know what they like and what they don’t. Since they’re the stuff an author’s bank account is made of, it isn’t wise to blow them off–they may have a point you shouldn’t miss. Always be thankful for the time a person spends reading your work.

2. Put on your Teflon jacket. Like those who are honing their skills, those who are seemingly rude often have a point worth heeding. Lick your wounds if you must, but spend time analyzing what they wrote to see if they’ve given you some roses among the thorns.

3. Stick your ego in your pocket. This pearl of wisdom came from my writing buddy and critique partner, K.M. Weiland, and really should’ve been #1 on this list. If you view the words of a critique through the eyes of your ego, you’ll never grow as an author. The craft of writing is never learned entirely. It’s honed over the years, it’s organic in its changes, but it’s never fully mastered. Even the best of authors find ways to make themselves better.

Peer reviews are necessary. They can make the difference between a well-written book and a passable one--between one accepted by an agent/publisher and one destined for the self-pub route. I advise having your project subjected to review and critique, but let me remind you: Always be thankful for the time a person spends reading your work.




Linda Yezak teaches creative writing in Texas. Her novel, Give the Lady a Ride, was a finalist in the 2008 ACFW Genesis Competition and is in the editing stage. Linda is a frequent contributor to Christian Romance Magazine, an independent editor, and a critique partner/writing coach. She co-hosts AuthorCulture with two other authors. You can contact her at pprmint155@yahoo.com.





(Flickr illustration, "Peer Review," by Gideon Burton.)